How does the narcissist handle pregnancy? is a question that may cross your mind if you are planning to settle down or have already settled with a narcissist.
As we all know that narcissists lack empathy. According to studies, factors like low self-esteem, sense of internal control, self-enhancement, emotion intolerance, self-centeredness cooccur in narcissists and affect their empathic capability and functional pattern (Campbell, Reeder, Sedikides, & Elliot, 2000; Fonagy, Gergle, Jurist, & Target, 2002; Fonagy & Luyten, 2009; Fonagy, Steele, Steele, Moran, & Higgitt, 1991; Nezlek, Schutz, Lopes, & Smith, 2007; Ronningstam, 2009; Schore, 1994; Watson, Little, Sawrie, & Biderman, 1992).
According to DSM-5, they are unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others. Some narcissistic individuals may have the intact empathic ability, but choose to disengage from others’ pain or distress, while others may have a deficient ability in the recognition of others’ feelings. (Resource:-Baskin-Sommers, Arielle et al. “Empathy in narcissistic personality disorder: from clinical and empirical perspectives.” Personality disorders vol. 5,3 (2014): 323-33. doi:10.1037/per0000061).
According to the experience of victims of narcissistic abuse and researches, it has been confirmed that narcissists do not bother to express empathy unless there is an audience watching with a trophy in their hands for rewarding them.
Their own deep insecurities, self-centeredness and high desire for gratification of senses(eyes, nose, ears, genitals, tongue, ego) come in a way of them being kind and caring for family members.
Pregnant narcissists and narcissists with pregnant partners both are horrible in their own ways as reported by their spouses. Here I am talking about narcissistic males and their pregnant wives in this blog.
What happens when their partner(wife/girlfriend) gets pregnant?
So, when the partner/wife/girlfriend of a narcissist gets pregnant they could be happy, angry, sad, disgusted or whatever depending upon how the newborn is going to affect their current situation. If need atrophy child tey will be very happy, if they have to please their controlling parents by giving them a grandchild they will be very proud of themselves, if they are not ready for responsibility but were too careless to have protection during the act they will be actually very angry at themselves for their carelessness but will project that anger onto their wife/girlfriend and so on.
So after handling the news of pregnancy with their distorted world view now they will have to face the physiological and other changes in their partner's body and psyche which will affect their daily routine and lie style. The worst part of being with an unpredictable abusive narcissist who is inconsistent with his expectations from his partner and household is that the series of changes that occur in the lifestyle and household functioning during the pregnancy and after childbirth up to a few years is very hard for both the narcissist (along with his high desire for sense gratification, self-centredness and deep insecurities and low self-esteem, entitlement and so on) as well as the victim wife.
The narcissist will feel used and abused in his own distorted worldview because the "sick" partner is not being able to serve like an efficient "slave" and "doormat anymore". Is also not available 24x7 for catering his needs as she has her own desperate medical and emotional needs that she needs to fulfil now for surviving. Please note that the medical and emotional needs are way too much high when a woman is living with a narcissistic abuser.
He will be more concerned about the fact that said no to sex last night rather than why she said it. The next morning both will be sad and resented for not being attended, one sexually and the other emotionally. His request being declined will fill him with so much anger and insult that he will not care to know what was it that made her say "no". Even she tries to explain to him he, because of his extreme-self centeredness will not care to acknowledge it and the worse is that he may gaslight her by saying nasty things about her body, character or may give an all-or-none comment like "you always..." "you never..." inflicting pain and hurt in her.
The other scenarios could be like:-
He will guilt trip or emotionally blackmail her into having sex but invalidate her feelings f not wanting it.
He could rape her and afterwards pretend as if it didn't happen that way and also won't show any concern about knowing why she declined in the first place.
He could pretend to care for her physiological problem of pregnancy that made her say "no" to sex and make fake promises to provide some special care for her until he gets the "sex" and then again becomes indifferent or abusive. Jack and Hydell before and after the sex.
When he wants it, he wants it. Their partner is never allowed to say "no" safely. So, in most of the cases, she just gives in and keeps allowing him to hurt her emotions hoping that he will be thankful in return and will take care of her illness during pregnancy and childbirth or if not then at least will reduce the abuse. But the truth is that whether you allow him or say "no" doesn't affect his feelings for you in long run.
Once I heard a narcissist call a co-dependent empath TV serial character, a "looser" who deserved to be treated like shit. They believe that victims deserve to be abused because of their codependent behaviour. Narcissists need a supply and they will get it from wherever it comes EASILY. Moral and principles do have not many roles in their lives unless there is an audience watching them because they lack the ability to express empathy and are highly self-centred. Everything revolves around them.
Having boundaries pisses them off because of their entitlement and triggers them to abuse while not having boundaries makes the victim vulnerable and an easy target for manipulation and abuse that serves their selfish needs.
They don't like their victims spending money not even on their medical needs. They either manipulate or directly control their spouse's expenses even the medical ones. Pregnancy does need some expenses whether someone wants it or not. Narcissistic men make it very difficult for their pregnant partners to get the basic medical facilities even if she is a working woman.
They feel hurt and betrayed if she is not able to cook and clean during sickness. This is not what they expected from the relationship. After all the relationship was meant to continuously drain everything from another side to them, everything. And now the services are being hampered and are being fulfilled with low intensity. This is not so fair and is abusive from their perspective. And they feel very sad and angry about this. They may not be able to express it directly because they have to look good in front of society so they will go for subtle abuse like telling half-truths (she is not taking care of his needs) and hiding half-truths (she is sick and being abused by him) to society and training some flying monkeys. He may directly abuse by passing derogative comments about your failures in life and changing body appearance.
What makes him even angrier is that she expects him to take care of older kids when she is really sick. He feels entitled to be served and entertained by everyone in the family including kids and now he is expected to take care of the kid's needs. This is so unfair and mentally exhausting to even think about this in his opinion. Is he the servant of the house? He is the master and everyone else is an unpaid slave. These kinds of expectations can turn him really sour. If we try to view things from his perspective, all he wanted was the gratification of his senses and all he is getting is responsibilities and expectations to make sacrifices. This situation will break his stone heart into thousand pieces and will make him hate his spouse for getting pregnant. Even if he pretends to takes care of kid's he will actually abuse them in some way so that the spouse regrets asking for help and manages everything all by herself next time.
They don't happily participate even in prescribed duties then what to say of love and care they are supposed to show at this time to their spouse. They become even more abusive than before which repels their sick partner and consequently worsens their physiological and psychological health in every way which makes the household condition worse and hence making the narcissist angrier and this vicious cycle gets set up inside the relationship dynamics and overall household.
A lot of narcissistic abuse victims have reported that their spouse cheated on them or discarded them during this phase.
An Indian saying goes like this," A woman’s loyalty is tested when the husband gets poor; A man’s loyalty is tested when the wife gets sick".
Women who ignore these huge red flags and continue being a doormat to them will set up a stage for bigger drama after childbirth. A woman becomes many times busier and more sick and tired after childbirth than she was during pregnancy, and if this woman lives with a narcissist then all these miseries become many many folds and make the abuser even more abusive which consequently worsens her conditions and hence a highly toxic and vicious cycle gets set up pulling her and her kids deep down to the hell.
This blog has been written o the basis of my observation of narcissistic families and stories shared to me about true events happening or happened in past in real-life narcissistic abuse victims.
Dear sisters, it never gets better because they are not capable of changing because they rarely truly acknowledge the issues or seek help. Know your priorities in life. Seek help. Sending my best wishes and prayers for your healing.
Note:-The contents of this blog are for informational purposes only and, are not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Please seek the advice of a qualified mental health professional with any questions you have regarding a medical health condition.
If you are in extreme distress or feeling suicidal please click on the below link and find the hotline for your country https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines