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What it feels like becoming a mother is something that can be felt only by becoming one. What it's like being a part of a dysfunctional family is something that can be felt only by being one. And when you are a mother of the child of a narcissistic dysfunctional husband, my heart goes out for you.
Here are words of assurance that such moms can say to each other and to themselves every time they feel like falling apart:-
- You are enough.
- You worthy of love and are beautiful.
- You are doing your best and I believe in you.
- You are gorgeous and you don't need to prove it to anyone when all you need is to take a rest.
- Your pain is valid.
- All your sufferings are valid.
- You deserve love, respect, and care.
- You deserve to think about your peace and welfare.
- You deserve to rest and sleep whenever you feel like it.
- Your feelings of discomfort, worries, fears, and insecurities are valid.
- All your feelings and emotions are valid.
- You are a good enough mom.
- You are a good enough wife.
- You deserve to take leave from housework and care of other kids.
- You deserve to be taken care of by your spouse and other adults.
- You will heal and become like before once again.
- The baby will gradually grow and become independent one day and you will resume that old life.
- Your responsibilities as a new mom will gradually cease and you will resume your old responsibilities again when the right time comes. Till then you deserve to live in the moment.
- Your sufferings of childbirth will go away gradually and you will feel like before and do everything like before one day, till then love yourself and live in the moment.
- Those who do not understand "family dysfunction" do not deserve over-explanation from you about "what", "how" and "why" about your life and you deserve to keep away from them for your peace of mind.
- You deserve to decide if you wish to include those people in your good times who don't show up in difficult times.
- You deserve to say "no" to phone calls and meetings.
- You deserve to prioritize your rest and health over social obligations right now.
- You deserve to prioritize your care over the care of others.
- It's okay to cry.
- It's okay to stay silent and alone and be with just yourself.
- It's okay to let your kids have junk food and street food rather than torturing them with hunger when they have no one to cook except you even at this time.
- It's okay to let your kids miss their school or go without homework sometimes when there is no other adult to help. This is testing time for the family and it will pass.
- It's okay if your older kids didn't bathe today or have messy clothes and hair. This phase will pass and they will have a fully functional mom again very soon.
- It's okay if you can't do everything you used to do before childbirth.
- It's okay if you are unable to do everything you planned to after childbirth.
- It's okay to breastfeed and it's okay to bottlefeed.
- It's okay to be a stay-at-home mom and depend on your savings or spouse's earning.
- It's okay to go back to work if your circumstances require so.
- It's okay to decide what is best for you and your kids even if no one understands.
- It's okay to take the right stand for yourself and your kids even if you have to stand all alone.
- It's okay if nobody understands and believes what you are going through. It's okay that you are the only one who knows that you are doing your best. It's only your opinion about yourself and your situation that matters.
- It's okay that you have a routine that you never thought of but you have only this option. As long as you know you are right only that is sufficient.
- Only your validation of what you feel is what matters.
- Nobody deserves to make you feel guilty for your reduced capabilities due to poor health and changed responsibilities.
- You do not owe an apology for preferring to take rest over serving to their needs.
- You deserve to be understood and validated and those who do not believe this deserves to be kept at a bay.
Only someone in your shoes can understand how it's like being a new mom of a narcissist's child. No social support and no family support and the added pain of guilt, abuse, and abandonment. Every pain, suffering, and struggle you are going through right now while raising your baby and other kids with a wounded body, mind, and soul is valid. All your emotions and feelings are valid. You will make it. Whatever you do for yourself and your kids in this situation is amazing and I am proud of you for carrying it so well. I am proud of you for showing up with so much courage and strength when all you wanted was to curl up in your bed and cry limitlessly. You must be proud of yourself for all the intelligence and power you managed to carry along with so much emotional pain and harm to your mental health. I am proud of what you are irrespective of what you can or cannot do right now. You are worthy of infinite love. You are enough.
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