Life is more than impossible for anyone in a relationship with a narcissist, but I don't think Narcissists themselves are very happy and prosperous doing what they do. According to specialists, there is no cure for narcissism because their inflated ego doesn't allow them to accept the problem that they have or to share it with therapists. I have very closely observed the narcissists suffer and go through pain because of how they view the world and how they deal with it.
Read https://www.theexhaustedsouls.com/2021/03/what-exactly-is-narcissistic.htmlto know what Narcissism is.
A fully blown narcissist is never going to search the internet for a "self-help guide" because this will make them look imperfect in their own eyes which they cannot tolerate and therefore they are very less likely to read this blog. On the other hand, their victims who are draining and exhausting themselves already in a hope that they will change one day will find this article and read it, and probably share it with their loved ones(the narcissists), hoping to get some help. However, I would suggest not to forward this blog directly to them, instead post it somewhere they can easily find it and read it without feeling offended by you.
A narcissist who is low on the scale of narcissism, if he/she has the mercy of God and Prayers of loved ones might find this blog useful and might really improve his/her life by following some suggestions that have been discussed in it.
The losses that occur to a narcissist because of their thinking, perception, belief-system, behavior, and lifestyle are:-
- They cannot have someone love them consistently and lifelong. (Because of the pain of repeated hurt and betrayal they inflict on those who love them. They do this because of a high desire for sense gratification in the terms of having multiple romantic interests or lack of interest in roles and responsibilities as a committed family member).https://www.theexhaustedsouls.com/2021/03/signs-someone-really-cares-about-you.html
- They ruin their health and consciousness and keep degrading with age. (Because they don't trust anyone's suggestions fearing they will get manipulated or harmed like they do it to others. Also, they prefer sense gratification way too much over their physical, mental, spiritual well-being.).
- They never feel satisfied with what they have. (Because they are always feeling insecure about other people's achievements. Not just do they feel that way but also they go out of their way to tear down and ruin others in order to feel better about themselves which they actually never feel and on this path they ruin a huge part of their own lives).
- They feel lonely and empty. (Because they think if they share their secrets, insecurities, and pain with someone it will be used against them like they do it to others. Also).
- They ruin their children and lose them. (Because they use them as punching bags to vent, use as trophies to boost their egos, have unrealistic and inconsistent expectations depending upon their own mood and need at any given moment either to fulfill their sense gratification, hide their flaws, hide family flaws, or to prove something to the society. They either raise other narcissists who treat them materially and superficially like they did or they create family scapegoats who might love them deeply but will eventually run away as far as possible after growing up fearing more hurt in return for the love they always gave to the narcissistic parent).
Why do they do it? Because of :
- The sense of entitlement: They think they are special and deserve special treatment irrespective of their own behavior and attitude towards others. Think that they are entitled to own whatever they like or desire.
- The high desire for sense gratification: Too much importance to sex, food, fashion, self-image building and show off to the society. So much so that they put their quality of life at stake for achieving these. (Bhagavad Gita 16.11-12: They believe that to gratify the senses is the prime necessity of human civilization. Thus until the end of life, their anxiety is immeasurable. Bound by a network of hundreds of thousands of desires and absorbed in lust and anger, they secure money by illegal means for sense gratification. Bhagavad Gita 16.16: Thus perplexed by various anxieties and bound by a network of illusions, they become too strongly attached to sense enjoyment and fall down into hell.)
Selfishness: Lack of emotional empathy in spite of having intellectual empathy. Desire to achieve something at cost of safety, security, peace, or quality of other people's life.
- Insecurity: Stemming from the wrong belief system like my loved ones' success means my failure(unhealthy competition).
- Mental health issues: Anger issues, anxiety, stress, depression.
- Wrong belief system: Need to look perfect at the cost of the reputation of others, even the spouse and kids, everyone is a competitor or threat, I must win always, everything is a competition, I am perfect and always right, and so on.
- Bad lifestyle: Like poor sleep routine leading to mismanaged and chaotic life, bad hygiene, poor health, poot time management, unhealthy eating issues, etc.
- Socio-cultural effect: Sexism, patriarchy, discrimination, crush the weaker, worship the stronger, manipulate the kind and humble, fear and disrespect those outside the community or those with different beliefs, and so on.
- Others. Depending on what scale of narcissism someone is, their socio-cultural background, and other personality disorders or mental disorders someone has in comorbidity, there can be various other reasons including life experiences and past traumas, etc leading to the twisted sense of reality and disordered relationship approach and lifestyle.
How can a narcissist help themselves?
Here are some tips on how they can improve the quality of their lives, improve their consciousness, stop creating bad karma, and feel infinite true love that a lot of people want to show them, especially their spouse and kids.
- Share. There must be at least one person on this earth who you think is innocent, non-judgemental, and trustworthy. Share your feelings of hurt, pain, insecurities, doubts. Completely refrain from lying. Because lying will only backfire. If you have no such person you can try this https://www.theexhaustedsouls.com/2021/02/burn-book-for-emotional-awareness.html
- Think of your childhood. Be honest with yourself. It's okay to validate the feelings of your inner child. It's not a betrayal to your parents. It's loyalty to yourself. It's better to accept that something was wrong with one or both of your parents than to repeat the legacy of abuse or abandonment and pass on the same pain and hurt to your own children who love you just like you did to your own parents in childhood. Read https://www.theexhaustedsouls.com/2021/02/this-will-happen-if-you-idealize-your.html And https://www.theexhaustedsouls.com/2021/03/shocking-reasons-why-some-people-cannot.html to know more.
- Control and divert. Whenever you feel like doing something that contributes to an unhealthy lifestyle, control your senses and divert yourself towards something healthy and productive. It could be a walk, a hobby, calling a service engineer, and getting something repaired. According to Indian Vedic scriptures following four regulative principles can drastically bring control on your senses if done under the right supervision. I have personally witnessed many people's drastically changed desire for sense gratification with this approach. A control on the tongue will help
- Moral check. It really doesn't matter what your family, parents, peers, etc believe is "cool", do not do it if it is morally wrong. No matter how "subtle" it is for people to notice. Just say "No" to it. Defeat it. Be a winner when confronting these damaging and destructive desires.
- Mental Health. Nobody will ever know except the therapist that you have issues. One day you will be healthier and happier and better. If you don't like going to therapists face to face, meet one online. At least know the issues and then you can get self-help in the form of books, blogs, and articles that you can read privately.
- Compassion. You are not entitled. No one is. Tell yourself every day. The world needs love. Love people genuinely without expecting anything in return and true love will come back from somewhere, if not from the same person.
- Say no to unhealthy competition and yes to healthy competition. There are millions of people much more successful than you. They are not posing any threat to you. Nor will your loved ones if they achieve something. In fact, family life always IMPROVES and upgrades in every way when everyone genuinely celebrates the success of each other. There should be no competition inside the four walls of the home. A family is a team that plays together, supporting, defending, and celebrating each other.
- Boundaries. Have boundaries in every relationship and respect other people's boundaries as well. This way neither you will manipulate nor you will be manipulated. Watch for red flags of boundaries in yourself and others and act accordingly to keep them in place.
- Meditation. Take one step at a time. Find resources and make meditation an integral part of your life. This is one thing that one must have in their life if they wish to have an overall disciplined and healthy lifestyle.
- Humbleness. It's okay to say sorry when you are absolutely wrong. When you feel and say sorry every time you do something wrong you will eventually be able to get better at being kind and humble. Having integrity is a must for a quality life.
- Cost and value analysis. Social image is important sometimes, but not always. Watch out for the price you or a loved one is paying when you are putting extra effort into making a good social image. Carefully analyze the value you will obtain and the cost you or a loved one is paying while making a social image of self, arguing, making a decision, making an expenditure, lying, making arrangements for gratifying your senses, and so on. Reprioritize things whenever there is a need in family life or personal life.
- Love yourself the healthy way. You are as much worthy of love as anyone else in spite of what mistakes you have already committed in your life. You are this way because of what your circumstances, upbringing, and mental health have been. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the core of you if you desire to be a better person.
- Mindfulness practice. Mindfulness practice will gradually train you and make you capable of validating your feelings and emotions because hiding and suppressing them will displace them on someone weaker and safer target like someone who loves you unconditionally. If you think honestly you will find that this has been often happening with you causing pain and hurt to your loved ones. Mindfulness will help you master your emotions and feeling and then you will be able to deal with them in a constructive way gradually improving not just the quality of your personal life but the entire family atmosphere.
- Gratitude. Once a day, every day, sit down and think of the ten good things done to you by others including God. Mentally thank each of them genuinely for their efforts.
If your loved ones see a good amount of genuine efforts from your side to be a better person they will too put effort to stay. Therefore you must try because there is nothing more valuable in your life than the presence of people who truly love and care for you in spite of all the hurt you have caused them and if you could reciprocate that love and care genuinely then it will mean the world to them.