I have already written a lot about narcissism like what is it, how does it affect family functioning and its various aspects. Today we will see the reasons for which is highly recommended by therapists, life coaches, and fellow victims that physically escaping the narcissist is the only way to escape their abuse and heal. No matter how much therapy and exercises one does healing is not possible. This article has been written for highly empathetic people who, knowing that some sort of past trauma has caused the narcissistic or sociopathic traits in a loved one, especially a spouse are unable to leave them.
The various reasons based on the pieces of information shared by victims and professionals in this field are as follows:-
- You cannot have a healing journal. You do not have enough personal space and safe boundaries at home for healing journaling. Even if you get to do it, they will read it and use it against you. Like they will attribute all marital issues and shortcomings in your parenting to your mental health issues or past traumas. They will steal information about your other relationship dynamics to prove that "you are the one with problems" during a fight. They will learn what can empower you and will do everything to prevent it from happening to keep you weak and dependent on them. They can use information about your trauma from your blood family(if you have any) and pass that information to related people creating further trauma and dysfunctionality in your blood family.
- You cannot practice healthy boundaries with them. Boundaries are an essential part of a healthy relationship and they give time and space for mindful healing and repair work. But they would want you to serve their moody needs irrespective of their effect on your wellbeing.
- You cannot grieve your traumas and losses. Some narcissists get really mad seeing their victims cry or being extremely sad in front of them if they are in the mood to have fun or pretend to have a normal or perfect family and spouse. When they want you to match their mood, you are not allowed to feel what you are feeling. Allowing yourself to feel your truest emotion is the key to emotional intelligence which in turn allows healing from trauma and abuse.
- You cannot practice healthy parenting. They control your parenting which makes you abuse your kids unconsciously/uncontrollably sometimes and they also directly abuse, use, manipulate and sometimes traumatize your kids in front of you. This adds up to your trauma continuously. It's like one step forward and ten steps backward in your healing.
- You cannot get benefitted from mental and physical exercises recommended by your therapist. If they get to know that you are doing something for the healing and betterment of your life, they will get jealous and are extremely insecure about themselves. They are known for unhealthy competition and chronic insecurity. They cannot see anyone get better or higher in life especially their near and dear ones. They are people who don't believe in themselves enough to put an effort to win the race by doing better, but rather they pull others down to feel "being above them". And when they are not jealous they are careless and want to see everyone around them following a routine totally controlled by them, be it sleeping, relaxing, doing chores, taking care of kids, spiritual practices, and so on.
- You cannot afford therapy and other means. They are financial abusers. They feel entitled to control family finances even if the other spouse contributes to earnings. You cannot use their money for your personal betterment and you also cannot use your own money for something they don't approve of.
- You cannot have a stable career to support your therapy. They do not contribute to house chores and parenting. Also, they won't let you have a routine of your choice so that you can balance work, parenting, relaxation, and enjoyment. They are too insecure to see you grow. Even if you have one, it will only contribute to your stress and trauma as they will never stop interfering with it. Remember that they don't have relationships, they keep hostages and they control their lives.
- You cannot have social support for healing. They have already ruin your social life. They have recruited flying monkeys around you in the name of a social circle. Most of the family friends think "you" are the problem. Gaslighting from multiple places is what I available for you in the name of social support until you break free, heal and create a new social circle.
- You cannot get any better living with someone who is programmed to see everyone either as a "threat" or a "prey". They are insecure to the core. They have a false belief that makes them hate and fear everyone around them. They have a brain structure and functioning that prevents them think and behave in a normal healthy way. Their inflated ego won't let them accept the fact that anything is wrong with them and therefore they will never seek help. No victim has ever claimed that their narcissist got healed and got better therapy. Not yet.
- Last but not the least, you cannot heal a wound from being stabbed while the knife is still inside you, which is the most practical way in which the whole dynamics can be explained to someone.
Your healing should start with escaping them and never punishing them Punishing is further messing and staying in some sort of (even it is hateful) relationship. It has been said by numerous professionals in this field that, "the best way to win a fight/argument with a narcissist is to not have one". These are people who are always on "Fight" mode" as told by Pete Walker in his famous book on C-PTSD. Due to life-altering trauma, their brain and autonomic nervous system have become dysfunctional. People lying very high on the scale of narcissism are not capable of getting any kind of healing. Therefore it is best advised to leave them and if you have sympathy for them you can pray to God for healing them. Remember that you must leave for a better future for yourself and your kids because getting traumatized in their hands will NOT heal them.