It is rightly said that if you want to win an argument/fight with a narcissist, then the best way is not to have one. What this very popularly accepted suggestion from victims and professionals in the field of psychology reflects about a narcissist's behavior is that they are almost impossible to deal with during a conversation. They see the people around them either as a "threat" or as a"prey". They get insecure, offended, and hurt in a blink of an eye. They get very angry when they are made to face the truth about their wrongdoings. Their inflated sense of grandiosity makes it impossible for them to see the basic human rights of others for having respect and safety. They feel that people exist for serving their needs and therefore they are entitled to live a life of luxury at the cost of safety, dignity, and health of others.
They are incapable of true intimacy and a trustful, mutually respectable relationship because of a lack of "emotional empathy". However excellent in having "intellectual empathy" which they use during the initial phase of a relationship to create bonding, for impressing outsiders on various occasions, and sucking back their victims in the dysfunctional relationship when they(victim) finally get enlightened and educated enough to leave them(the narcissistic abuser), which is known as "love-bombing" in psychology.
Anyone trying in vain to get a healthy, functional, mutually respectable, and stable relationship with them, may have regular to deep conversations with them during the "love bombing" phase. The things said during this conversation are used later on to hurt and intimidate the abuser. And there are ways in which a narcissist may make you feel regret for having a conversation with them-
- If you share your dream with them that does not serve them in any way, they will start preparing to destroy it. They are insecure about anyone (especially their victim) getting better in life. They see it as a threat to their own position in life.
- If you share your insecurities (like them having a crush on someone or your fear of a perceived failure in the relationship), they will use it to make you feel insecure and hurt when they want to punish you for something they don't like about you(your actions or words).
- If you share your issues with other people, they will use it to "Triangulate you". Once I heard a Narcissist say," When your partner does something you don't like, like tries to show they are smart than they are, just do a little "Triangulation" and they will get back to where they belong to". So, they with diverting your emotions and energy in dealing with the hurt and confusion of triangulation with the person you already have some issues with. This brings them multiple benefits like diverting you from things they didn't want you to focus on, establishing the fact that "you have problems with everyone" and therefore "you are the one with problems" and so on.
- If you share your positive feelings about them or compliment them about their good qualities. They will repeat your phrases during a heated-up argument in an intimidating voice and tone and will make you feel ashamed for having those feeling and thoughts in addition to the negative thoughts you are trying to point out during the conversation. They will label you are, "confused", "unstable", "hopeless" and so on for having two entirely different thoughts about them. They have an "All-or-none"(black-and-white) thinking pattern and therefore they cannot understand your perspective.
- If you share some negative issues about kids like their failures, shortcomings, etc during the love-bombing phase they use it, later on, to pit kids against you, to prove that you are the less efficient parent who cannot deal with the issues all by themselves and need them for solving the issues kids are having(when you are having an argument with them about their abuse towards kids or them not participating up in parenting responsibilities).
- If you share your healing milestones from past or current abuse by them, they intimidate you later-n for still being vulnerable to hurt, for crying, and feeling broken when you break down during a heated-up conversation with them. Right from the start of the argument at every confident and assertive statement of yours, they keep saying that you will start crying very soon, and they really laugh when you do.
- If you share your mental health issues, especially the ones that have occurred because of their abuse, hope that they will understand how much you are suffering and how much the abuse and dysfunctionality are causing it, they will get very highly offended and will store this information for using it, later on, to prove that your mental illness is the reason for all the issues you two have together and may also blame it for you shart comings in your parenting and career(which actually isn't true, and actually their abuse and unhealthy control of your parenting and career is what causes your shortcomings in your career and parenting).
- If you share your indifferences with common friends, they will use it to "smear" your image and pit people against you, and control your social life and social image. They make people hate you( and you hate people) to take away your social support so that nobody comes and disturbs them while they enjoy their dysfunctional behavior and abuse at home. They also use your relationship vulnerabilities to "intimidate" you and "gaslight" you when they want to punish you by forcing you to meet them or asking repeatedly on various occasions about why you do not meet these people, to frustrate you and make you feel crazy.
- If you share your progress and plans for your career/education, they (little insecure bitches) use this information to create hindrances for you. For example, they will make you serve them or have fun with them when you choose to do something that serves your growth. They will take away the money you already told them you saved for a fee. They engage you in something else, it could be even an argument or fight when you were about to attend a class or do some other significant work towards your career development and so on.
- If you share about nice things you started doing recently to feel better about yourselves, they will mention this information when you are really exhausted, frustrated, and tired of doing everything solely without their help in the household and parenting. Actually, they do this deliberately all to make you doubt your perception of reality about what is happening in your life.
And the list goes on depending upon every personal experience. Above are the points shared by victims.
If escaping the narcissist is not possible for some reasons, the best way to achieve maximum peace at home is to not get into a conversation as much as possible. Try to remain as formal as possible and answer to the point. Nothing works with them. Just focus on your growth and your kids. Remain busy and try to stay out of sight even if you live under the same roof. Learn about "love-bombing" and "Trauma-Bonding" here https://www.theexhaustedsouls.com/2021/02/trauma-bonding-how-your-brain-fools-you.html
Please share your valuable comments below on this page about your personal experiences on this. I will add them up to the list(with or without your name, whatever you wish).
Also read why you can't heal with a narcissist https://www.theexhaustedsouls.com/2021/05/10-reasons-why-you-cannot-heal-while.html