This blog does not advocate divorce or separation because this is totally someone’s personal opinion and should be based on careful analysis of the situation with the concern of bused partner under the guidance of a licensed therapist.
This blog stresses codependent trauma survivors who have a negative relationship and coping patterns deeply embedded in their consciousness. I wish to help these survivors understand how it’s not important to have an intimate partner before you have completely healed from past traumas and are able to carry a healthy relationship with clear boundaries
Here is a comparison meant to help such people analyze and decide for themselves how staying single for some time is really important in the journey of healing and regaining self-worth so that you can be really prepared for a great relationship.
Comparison of drawbacks of being single and being with an abusive partner.
Being Single: You don’t have an intimate partner to motivate you and celebrate your achievements.
Being with an Abusive Partner: You sleep with someone who does everything to demotivate you and self-doubt you on every step of your career and is extremely jealous of you and makes you feel guilty of your shortcomings as a partner, parent, and homemaker who are there( according to their perception) because of the time you give to your work.
Being Single: Your child has only one parent and half of the love they deserve. Also sometimes they miss the presence of a parent during their important occasions when you can’t make it due to you other serious engagements at work etc.
Being with an Abusive Partner: Your child may get abused by an abusive parent. Your child may develop PTSD due to witnessing domestic violence. You may act abusively due to the stress from the abuse you get from the relationship(displaced anger). They will have two parents, one is abusive, and the other has depression and anxiety. They may have two emotionally absent parents.
Being Single: You won’t have a partner to care for physically for you or do errands when you fall sick.
Being with an Abusive Partner: You won’t be allowed to take a rest. You will be made to feel guilty and ashamed for your reduced ability to take care of chores and cater to your partner’s personal needs. If you react to their abuse, your illness and hormones will be blamed for your reactions. You might be mocked or ashamed for your reduced physical abilities and helplessness due to illness.
Being Single: Sometimes you won’t be able to get proper sleep due to handling the responsibilities of the absent parent and a partner.
Being with an Abusive Partner: He may wake you up every night for no reason or for invalid reasons. You cannot decide your bedtime and wake-up time if you share a bedroom. You may be an insomniac due to stress from abuse and other affected areas of life due to dysfunctionalities arising from his/her presence. You may never be able to sleep during the day because he will never respect physical boundaries.
Being Single: You will have to do all the chores by yourself except for the little help you get from kids.
Being with an Abusive Partner: You will have to do all chores by yourself. Kids may help but they will also learn your partner’s lazy behavior and may be affected. You will have to do extra chores, his/her share of personal work plus the mess that he/she creates around the house. You might feel obliged to do some more extra unnecessary chores that he might make you feel important to be done by gaslighting you when you work for your job or try to take rest, for example, he may make you feel ashamed for keeping the house untidy unorganized which is normal with little kids around or ashaming you for unkempt looks which is normal in abusive households because of mental health issues, physical and mental stress, and excessive workload. So to please the partner you may put extra efforts to avoid such criticisms.
Being Single: You will have less time for social life
Being with an Abusive Partner: If your partner is a narcissist or has another such personality disorder you will have no social life. You won’t be allowed to befriend someone they don’t approve of and those they approve of will turn into flying monkeys very soon. If your abusive partner feels threatened in any way your common friends will be brainwashed against you into hating you. You will be surrounded by people who will have a distorted image of you created by your abuser in order to validate his/her abuse and invalidate your experiences. You will not just be the loneliest person even during social gatherings but also you will feel like being surrounded by haters.
So, these were the most important area of life which get affected when either we are single or with an abusive partner. The above analysis can help you get an insight into your situation and decide what is best for you and your kids.
Please write in comment sections about what are the other areas of life that you wish to be analyzed from this perspective.
Also, share your own experiences in relation to this analysis.
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