FAMILY DYSFUNCTION AND MENTAL HEALTH: March 2021

23 Mar 2021

16 Tips for Dealing with your Toxic Parents

Normal Parents are considered next to God’s in our society. They are the people we want the most to turn to when we are in joy and in distress. Biologically they are programmed and adapted to understand us in the best way. Since the time of birth they have known all our weaknesses and strengths, they knew how and what comforts us and discomforts us. All the time we spent together teaches them about our fears and phobias. They always knew and wanted the best for us. And when we talk about Indian culture, they are also physically present in most of our life, from arranging and financing our weddings, sponsoring our kid’s various ceremonies, etc. to provide physical and financial support during childbirth and other medical issues. As per the different cultures, kids are and should also reciprocate accordingly. Sometimes there is an imbalance in the give and take between kids and parents due to valid reasons like medical, financial, or social issues. But as long as there are unconditional love and support from both sides then the relationship is perfectly healthy for both.

But, not everyone is blessed with normal parents. And that’s when we need to erect firm boundaries, physical or emotional or both as per the severity of the problem to save ourselves from being destroyed in the hands of the toxic parents.

In a society where parents are treated like God, it’s not easy to talk about issues like “toxic parenting” or “bad parenting”. Before you start feeling guilty for being disloyal to your parents for reading this article, let me clarify what “toxic parents” are. For having an insight into “toxic parenting” read my article by clicking on the following link:https://www.theexhaustedsouls.com/2021/03/shocking-reasons-why-some-people-cannot.html

So, now you know what parents are we talking about. This article never intends to teach adult kids to be rude or insensitive toward their parents, rather it intends to teach them the ways by which they can stop their parents from destroying them. No one is born bad, it’s the circumstances and health conditions (personality disorders, etc.) that make people bad or abnormal parents. You can very well understand this by analyzing yourself as a parent. If you were raised by unhealthy parents then you will notice that sometimes you too behave toxically towards your kids. This happens because of your “affected personality” due to the “abuse” caused to you by your parents. You should forgive yourself for it because you couldn’t control what happened to you as a child. This understanding helps you to reach the following three conclusions:-

Your parents’ toxic behavior could also be an outcome of their childhood distress. (eg .some trauma like the divorce of parents, one or more abusive parents, domestic violence, abuse by a relative or family friend, sexual abuse, extreme financial crisis, prolonged illness, a tragedy like the death of a parent, etc.)
They too should be forgiven, because they didn’t have control and understanding of what they did. (Doesn’t applies to extreme cases of sexual abuse or physically lethal attacks. Such cases must be reported to the police)
Now, since you have the understanding of the underlying problem, so by taking the necessary steps you can stop the ongoing cycle of abuse, i.e., Your parents abusing you and you abusing your kids and hence passing on the legacy to the coming generations.

Ongoing abuse by the people who are meant to protect creates trauma-like feelings in the brain of the child (also adults in case of domestic violence). There is a continuous fear of the expected extreme negative reaction of the parent(s). The child dreads taking a stand or mentioning the abuse. There is a mixed feeling of:-

Wanting to be accepted and loved by parents and
Wanting to cut the ties and run away.

The more the child gives in to be accepted the more the abusive parents want by rejecting and criticizing the efforts being made by the child. Running away is not possible because of the following two reasons:-

“Trauma Bonding”(Stockholm syndrome-A condition in which the abused develops an emotional bonding with the abuser because of the tit-bits of acts of kindness shown by the abuser here and there. The helpless isolated victim lives in the illusion that if he/she puts more efforts then it will be possible to win the affection of the abuser)
Affected mental health (extreme anxiety, depression, loneliness, fears and phobias, isolation from society done by an abuser, low or no self-confidence induced by abuser by constant criticism and judgment)

Therefore, the abuse victim, i.e., the child of toxic parents goes for the formerly stated feeling of being wanted to be loved and accepted by parents. The more they give, the more toxic parents want. There is a suppressed feeling that they can never win them, still, they keep trying hopelessly with more and more energy every time enabling the toxic parents to hurt more and more deeply.

It’s impossible to keep a toxic parent happy. I will take an example from a friend’s life:-

Amar is my childhood friend. He had a very physically abusive father. His father was a bully towards his wife and kids and would think that being the head and only breadwinner and being the “Man of the house“ he was entitled to scold, beat, bully his family whenever he wanted, and was not bound to justify his behavior to anyone. Amar’s father was so manipulative that he would induce false guilt in his kids to justify his own behavior of abuse. Amar’s father had a wonderful social image and was a charming person to society.

His father always made him feel guilty for his education. They were a middle-class family and could easily afford education, but due to the spendthrift nature and tendency to show off to society, his father would spend all his earning in showing off the society that how rich he was and when it came to school/college fee he would make Amar feel that they were poor and there was a financial crisis and arranging fee was very difficult for them. He would also make Amar feel that he owed all his life to his father because he is educating him with so much pain. Amar grew up thinking he owes everything in his life to his father. As soon as Amar started earning, his father made him take responsibility for his younger brother Arjun’s Master’s education as well. Amar didn’t do masters because he was already too guilty for getting a bachelor's with his father’s money and felt obliged to educate his brother to relieve his father of the pressure. Amar got married. His parents and elder sister started inducing the guilt in him that now he will devote more of his time with his young wife and might ignore the needs of old parents and siblings. His wife was a career woman. Now due to emotional and financial pressure from his father he was so anxious not only about his expenditure but also his wife’s expenditure. He was bound to take care of his brother’s extra expenditures and showering gifts to his parents and other siblings to show his gratitude towards his father’s contribution to his education. This caused tensions in his married life. After doing master's Arjun had a better career than Amar. Now their father would leave no chance to compare their careers and make Amar feel less than Arjun. Amar was still struggling to get his father’s validation of being a good son. He gave his time, love, attention to everything to his father but he was never good enough. He always preferred his parents over his wife and kids during every good and bad time to prove himself as a good kid. The more Amar gave, the more his father wanted. Moreover, Amar also saw his father ignoring his wife(Amar’s mom) and her needs all his life and that’s how Amar thought that it’s an ideal way of life. Gradually all this took a toll on his married life and his wife left him. Now his father who never minded Amar mistreating, ignoring, avoiding, depriving his kids and wife suddenly took his daughter-in-laws’ side. Being nice in the eyes of society was his priority in life, remember? Now Amar’s father started blaming him for all the problems in his life, education, career, marriage, etc.

Above is one such case where the abused child is still struggling in the adult body to get the approval of his father. This adult child of a toxic father, Amar has sacrificed everything but his father wants more. Amar is “Trauma Bonded” to his father. He is still thriving for his father’s love and acceptance. In such cases, two ways are possible by which an adult child can save himself i.e., physically cutting off or emotionally cutting off. In a society where parents are considered equivalent to God, it is very hard to physically cut off parents, no matter how abusive they are, especially if they are very old and have no one else to take care of. But, loving or caring for your parents doesn't mean that you should run your own life, career, relationship, and mental well-being on the way.

Following steps can be taken to recovery from childhood abuse:-

Try to seek therapy as soon as you discover any health issue like depression, anxiety, etc. If you have financial issues then various meditation and self-help techniques can be tried at home.
Keep a check on your behavior towards your own kids. There is a high possibility of the repetition of parenting traits. Be gentle with yourself. Forgive yourself for how you had been and start training yourself to be calmer, gentler, more honest, and kind towards your own kids than your parents were towards you.
Maintain emotional distance from your parents.

The last point is where we have to focus the most because you cannot heal a wound if it’s allowed to be hurt continuously. Toxic parents stay in their kids’ heads even when they are not around and control them the way they would do when they are physically present. This happens because they mold their kids’ thinking like theirs. These are termed as “Internalized parents” in psychology. Emotional distance can be achieved in the following ways:-

Accept that they are toxic and forgive them because they are not aware. This will reduce anger and bring peace to your life.
Reduce the frequency of visits and phone conversations. Do so only when required genuinely.
Do not answer every question involving your career, personal life, and relationships. Even if you want to, then take some time Do not feel obliged to answer immediately. You are an adult.
Stop listening to your “Internalized Parents”. Start trusting your guts and try taking your own life decisions(career, friendship, spirituality, parenting, relationship, social life, eating, clothing, entertainment, sleeping)
Do not fear your “Internalized parents". Allow yourself to feel all types of emotions. Do not fear or suppress them. Suppressing emotions is very unhealthy. Feel whatever you feel like, love, anger, sadness, loneliness, excitement. Sometimes we need to hide some emotions in professional life, but otherwise, we shouldn’t. Emotions exist for a reason. Your body sends you signals by sending emotions When you honor your emotions and express them it helps you. Never feal or feel guilty for having an emotion. It's perfectly normal.
Ignore the criticism from your “Internalized parents”. Have your own views. You don’t need to line up with other’s views to please or impress them. It's possible to get along with people having views different than you. Intelligent people like to hear and understand different views on a topic.
Disarm your “Internalized Parents” by reducing “alone time” with your parents. Try to meet them in large groups where they won’t find it easy to bully you.
Stop taking “gifts” from them. Toxic people never give anything because they love. Everything they do for you has a “string” attached to it. They give so that they can burden you with the feeling that they are doing so much for you. Start practicing “No” to their “gifts” and “favors” politely. This will make you feel less burdened.
If you are financially sound and they are in crisis, you can offer monthly financial help to them without visiting them. This will not give them any chance to use society to make you feel guilty.
Visit them when they genuinely need you like illness and other distress, but make sure to have the least conversation possible and avoid meeting in person. Stay in groups.
Start repairing the relationships that have been damaged because of your “Parents” or “Internalized Parents”. Do what you feel and don’t do what you don’t feel like.
Build relationships with other people of your parent’s age but be very cautious they should be very healthy and normal. This can be determined by observing their own family dynamics.
Maintain distance from those siblings and relatives who don’t know about the toxic side of your parents and make you feel guilty for not being the perfect child. This is a very common dynamic in toxic families. Parents deliberately stay nice to one child (golden child) so that they can abuse the other child(scapegoat child)easily. Golden child is pitted against the scapegoat child and is made to believe that the scapegoat child is hurtful towards the parents and hence deserves to be abused. Toxic parents make sure to present a perfect family in front of relatives and the golden child helps them. This causes more difficulties for the scapegoat child and makes the condition worse.
Do not confront your parents. This will worsen the problem. You can write a letter to your parents telling them how much they have hurt and how hard you have tried, that you feel sorry for their circumstances which made them toxic and you forgive them for what they did. Tell them you love them and will always do. Tell them you wish they would understand and change, tell them you know that this will never happen, tell them you are giving up on them, and tell them everything you want to. But do not send this letter. Sending it to them will worsen the situation. Burn it after writing. This will bring you a lot of peace. You will cry a lot while doing this, but it will be worth it.
Love yourself the way you wanted yourself to be loved by your parents. Take care of your emotional and mental health.
Set boundaries in your life. Dare to say “Yes” to the things you never dared to and dare to say “No” to the things you never dared to.

Share your story with me or with a trustworthy friend.

Enjoy a “New” you.

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21 Mar 2021

10 Signs You Have a Lousy Spouse!

1. Tired and sleepy: A lousy spouse will always find an excuse to lie down and get comfy. They can sleep in several shifts on a day off and will still be tired at the end of the day. Actually, they are not tired but lazy at the core.

2. Liar: They are experts in lying. We all require to lie sometimes to save ourselves from distress or other losses. But a lousy spouse will lie effortlessly for no apparent reason. They lie by default whenever they talk and some rarely speak the truth. And when they speaking the truth, the truth is half, like with omitted details or twisted to serve their purpose of making a good social image or getting the advantage of the situation. They don't hesitate in damaging the social image of their family members or friends to achieve the smallest things like a five minutes extra rest or a nap before appearing for an important meeting. Very effortlessly they can blame the family for their late arrival at a social get together thus ruining the image of family and escaping the responsibility at the same time. If they are not in the mood of spending money or energy or both on a medical appointment for a family member, they may say that doctor is on leave today.

3. Pending works: A lousy spouse will always have a long list of pending works. Kids' vaccination, doctor's appointments, electrical and other repairing works, credit card bills, other payments, pending gifts, vehicle servicing, and the list goes on for the things that remain pending in their household because they are too lazy to find time for all this and their spouse is always busy cleaning the mess they create around the house. They will be rarely free or energetic enough for family responsibilities.

4. A bad listener: Lousy spouses are really bad listeners as they don't respond easily when called upon. Even if they respond they will not be fully attentive when you start talking. In the middle of a conversation, they may walk out of the room, or they mat start instructing kids about something on significant, wave to someone else, start humming a song, check text msgs, start flipping pages of a book and sometimes may dial a number and start talking to someone else. They pretend to be lost in thoughts in the middle of a conversation. They can abruptly start talking about a totally new and irrelevant topic and the words spoken will be such that as if that was the actual topic of conversation.

5. Unhealthy competition: Lousy spouses never feel confident enough about themselves hence they spend a lot of energy worrying about their spouse's achievements, no matter how small it is like getting a compliment at a social get-together or a bigger one like job promotions of their spouse. It's almost impossible to make them feel secure and confident.

6. Unorganized and careless: They are highly unorganized. Nothing will be in place. They will not only lose their things daily but will also carelessly misplace the belongings of other people. They burrow things but never return. Expensive gadgets will get damaged as soon as they come out of the box, all clothes will be stained, imp documents will keep disappearing and they won't hesitate in doing constant expenditure on getting a duplicate copy of everything ranging from birth certificate to car keys. They won't spend energy on finding things but rather buy a new one.

7. Hazards everywhere: There will be hazards everywhere in the house like dangerous open sockets, live protruding wires, iron plugged on, expensive and hazardous things like medicines, sharp objects, etc in the reach of kids because they are too lazy to put things back after use. Nothing above their comfort. A family of such a person suffers a lot.

8.Spendthrift: They have no idea how to manage their expenses. No matter how much they earn, it will never be enough for a decent lifestyle. They never care to have a thing called "savings". This thing doesn't exist in their dictionary. Even if they inherit someone's property, there is very little chance they can invest it and get some profit, it is likely to be spent in a short duration. Deliberate or non-deliberate, they are financial abusers to their spouse. They will always be under huge debts all their life. They hide, manipulate, or lie about expenditures. They keep a lot of secrecy in their finances to avoid confrontation and unwanted discussions.

8. Irresponsible parents: Such spouses make irresponsible parents. They would never care to check their children's school bag, not even the school diary. If another spouse is unwell or outside, they can forget serious and important things like picking the kids, giving lunch, filling a water bottle, combing their hair while sending them to school. They will eat kids' share of food if they are hungry and manipulate them in some way that they don't resist much, later on, they will misinform the other parents that kids were being fussy and all. They can forget to put on Woolens on kids in winters because they don't have the energy to find one. They can make them wear a wet pair of socks because they are too tired to find a dry one. They will think of a suitable lie for justifying themselves later on if caught. They can sleep peacefully with a baby crying by their side. Will prefer to sleep than to support the spouse in taking care of a sick baby. They hardly care about the health or wellbeing of their kids. They Will never spare time to talk to them. They can sleep all day without caring if kids have eaten or starving if the other spouse is not at home. Kids are the sole responsibility of other spouses in such households. And since the other spouse is always physically and mentally overstressed and frustrated, the negative effects are there in kids also. Tickets will be booked at the last moment, articles would be purchased in black and at the double triple rate.

9. Unfaithful: If not on serious terms then at least they are flirtatious people disguised as fun-loving and jolly. They won't mind hurting their spouse's sentiments by openly flirting with other people of the opposite sex at a social gathering on the face of their spouse. They will shamelessly talk about their sexual fantasies for other people to their spouse. They lie about their whereabouts to avoid any unwanted discussions.

10. Childlike: They will throw tantrums and will have unrealistic demands like a child. They want the biggest share in a cake. They want to be treated and cared for, by everyone be it their kids or a sick family member. They think they deserve to be treated special and get hurt very easily when not treated specially in every situation.

If you or someone you know, needs to seriously think if they qualify for the above traits. A desire to be respected could be fulfilled, only if someone is delivering their duties with full dedication. Remember, laziness, carelessness, and dishonesty will lead you and your family only towards destruction.

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This Is Why Some People Cannot Help Being Sad And Miserable : If You Had Controlling Parents

How someone is raised decides a lot about how their personality and worldview is. Nature and nurture that someone receives during growing years decide the type of personality and coping skills they acquire.

Sometimes knowingly or unknowingly, deliberately or non- deliberately children raised in highly adverse and abusive conditions can become types of human who will never e able to achieve a normal happy life, and being miserable and sad can be the only choice in their life. Children raised by parents who were themselves raised in dysfunctional families or adverse living conditions like war camps, brothels, war zones, slavery, domestic abuse, extreme poverty, parents with mental illness, parents who abuse drugs, etc cannot learn healthy family dynamics and parenting skills while growing up and hence after becoming parents cannot provide a safe and nurturing atmosphere to their own kids and the legacy keeps getting transferred from generation to generation if left unchecked.

Adults who were raised in adverse conditions become very controlling as parents because they fear that everything needs to be in control for everyone's best and since they are unaware of healthy life patterns so they practice unhealthy controlling methods in raising children and intimate relationships.

Children raised by following these types of parents cannot help being sad and miserable unless they try really hard to repair the damage done to them by their toxic parents. This blog talks about the facts based on scientific researches by professionals in the field of psychology.

Here are the seven parenting styles, according to Dr. Dan Neuharth in his bestselling book “If you had controlling parents”, that can damage children beyond repair:-

1. Abusive Parents.

According to psychologists, these types of parents have extreme anger issues. They not only physically, emotionally abuse their children but also hold them responsible for it. They feel entitled to abuse their kids even if the situation doesn’t make sense.

This type of parental behavior results in trust issues, vulnerability to abuse, hypervigilance, depression, and drug abuse in adulthood.

Readers are advised not to confuse abuse with discipline. All parents need to be strict and dominating at some point in time when it is important for the safety-security and well-being of the child. This difference can be understood only by having a clear conscience and honest mind.

2. Parents with Childlike behavior.

As the terminology suggests, this type of behavior is shown by parents who are literally incapable of parenting. They do reverse-parenting, i.e. expect care from kids. People of this nature end up marrying an abusive partner, resulting in the worst parenting scenario. Such parents induce unnecessary guilt in their children for their own benefit.

This type of parenting creates adults who are doormats to others because of difficulty in expressing anger and resentment. Such children can never feel carefree.

This behavior should not be confused with rare incidents where any parent will teach his child to feel sorry for genuine wrongdoings like breaking the law or hurting some innocent person. This also doesn’t include the situations where parents are genuinely in need of help from their kids due to medical or financial situations. The key is again honesty and truthfulness in the relationship.

3. Parents who smother or lay overbearing scrutiny.

In this case, parents often take “love and care” to a level where it is suffocating and dangerous to emotional health. These parents don’t treat their kids as individuals rather as their own extension and try to control their life by overly scrutinizing every move. They discourage their children to develop their individuality.

This type of parenting diminishes the sense of boundaries in adult child causing issues in other relationships. This also causes high dependency, poor body image, and a low level of confidence.

The key point is that we have to train our kids to fly with their own wings rather than carrying them on our backs and flying for them. They may fly less perfectly than we expect, but it’s better than not flying at all. Every individual has his own journey and right to live it.

4. Parents who Love conditionally.

Some parents use love. They cannot love their children consistently . Kids are so hungry for parental love that they can be controlled by withdrawing and giving it as per the situation. These parents don’t love their children for what they are, rather for what they do. They use emotions to fulfill their agenda and never let their kids connect emotionally with them.

Adult children of such parents are depressed, doubt full, have low confidence, withdrawn, and feel unloved.

As a mother even I feel sometimes that I unconsciously love my kids more when they achieve something. This is wrong. The love should be consistent, irrespective of the situation. If one feels the same way as I do, help is out there in the form of books. Discipline should not be mixed with the expression of love. Kids thrive on parental love and there are numerous ways to get your child to do something, withholding love might get you your way temporarily but will have everlasting negative effects on your bonding with them and their thought process. Everyone deserves to be loved for what they are irrespective of their achievements, this should be taught at a very young age.

5. Parents with NPD

NPD means Narcissist Personality Disorder. Read https://www.theexhaustedsouls.com/2021/03/what-exactly-is-narcissistic.html to understand NPD. Parents who sffer from NPD or other such personality disorders along with narcissistic traits are emotionally immature parents who are insensitive to their children’s feelings but they themselves expect complete loyalty and obedience from others. They see life as a war and they feel a deep need to win it at the cost of other's happiness, safety and peace, even if the other person is their own child. They are extremely jealous of others, including their own kids, and believe that others feel the same for them. They have a distorted sense of reality.

Children raised by such parents have a poor self-image, are unable to take emotional care of themselves, and feel used even in adulthood. They feel difficulty in understanding the concept of “Love”. Read https://www.theexhaustedsouls.com/2021/03/how-does-narcissistic-dysfunctional.html to know about effects of parenting by a Parent suffering from NPD.

6. Chaotic Parents

These parents are highly unpredictable and therefore cause chaos in lives of their children. They want their kids to strictly abide by the family rules but keep changing the rules in the blink of an eye. Not only rules but their thinking and reasoning also keep changing as per their own selfish requirement. And when asked for justification they give bizarre reasons. Families with such parents have no unclear rules and consistent limits. There can be chaos at any moment and issues never settle but there is only the blame is shifted to others.

For example, a father destroys his son’s toys while mishandling them and shifts blame and induce guilt by scolding the child for not keeping the toy in the proper place. The next day he, out of his regular behavior of carelessly keeping his belongings, finds one of them damaged. At which, he again scolds his son accusing him of the act even without conforming. Here you can see that the rules change with the father’s convenience and the child is receiving mixed messages and unclear rules.

This type of behavior creates adult children who see life as an emotional roller coaster because it is full of confusion, guilt, hypervigilance, and trust issues. This type of parenting is carried to one’s own life as a legacy if not checked on time.

7. Perfectionist Parents.

These parents put immense pressure on their children to be perfect and on top of everything they do. They compel their kids to keep themselves and their surroundings clean, organized, articles kept in order, flawless view, and up to date in every aspect. They won’t hesitate even in compromising the basic human needs of their kids to impress society. Material possession, academic achievement, social status, and appearances are given more importance than love, peace, physical and emotional health, relationships, and morals.

This particular type of damaging parenting style is also affected by culture. For example, in my own country, it is a part of the culture and its shade can be seen in even the wisest parents’ thought process. In my language, there is a saying. ”loge kya kahengay?” which means, “What people will say?” This is very deep-seated in the society I was raised in.

A desire to see one’s child on the top of the world is normal for every parent but putting pressure on them to achieve it at any cost is unhealthy and dangerous for the physical, emotional, and psychological well-being of the child. Every child is unique and special. We should love and respect our kids for their abilities and encourage them to do “their best” not “the best” in whatever they do. We must accept them as a package of whatever qualities and shortcomings

A parent who shows one or more of the above parenting traits is considered a toxic parent in psychological terms. If someone has the above traits it's high time to get professional help along with help from good self-help books.

There is no hard and fast rule for parenting if you are an honest, responsible, and compassionate parent. On the other hand, if someone is not a loving caring person or lacks a true conscience, then any amount of suggestions or tips won’t help much.

The last thing that can be tried is praying to God for the purification of consciousness of such parents and help them become spiritual. Because the researches suggest that when psychology cannot help any more, then spirituality is the last hope.

God bless you!

Have a wonderful day!

(Credits: The terminology of these seven types is suggested by Dr. Dan Neuharth in his bestselling book “If you had controlling parents”.

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