11 Feb 2021

What Is Love, and What Isn't?


Love is one of the basic needs of any living entity. It is not just a biological need but also serves as an achievement of social status for some because by some people you are considered as socially more desirable and acceptable when you have people who have your back and love to associate with you, especially your romantic partner. 

This belief is more prominent in individualistic societies like in western countries. However with globalization with social media and other means like the entertainment industry it has become a norm also in eastern countries, who had been following the custom of arranged marriage for ages, to have a romantic partner as early as possible not just to satisfy your emotional needs but also to have that social status that everyone else is having after being influenced by media.

It’s a wonderful thing to have someone to love and get loved but when having a partner or having a romantic love life is a necessity that comes in our lives because of social pressure then we might ignore the basic essence of it and rather jump to an achievement that raises our social status.

I personally know some of my friends who are being treated like shit by their spouses in real life, but out of fear of not looking normal on social media during valentine’s day they would do anything to have some “Social media ready” photos and videos to flaunt to real-life love birds and other people on their social media profiles, from begging them for gifts, romantic dates, romantic photos or arranging all the celebration and show totally by their sole efforts, just to have a feeling of being loved and just to feel “normal” and “included” in society for the valentine’s.

How sad is this? Some people not only do this every valentine’s and anniversaries to get “the feel” but also fool themselves into thinking that they are in a perfect relationship just because the celebration and social flaunting went so well every year.

What love is!

Being with someone who cares and respects you is what you need for a happy and stable life and future. Someone who feels sympathy for your pain and sufferings and will never deliberately hurt or harm you for their benefit. You must feel safe, relaxed, free to express your emotions and thoughts in the presence of this person.

There should be no fear of betrayal and backstabbing. You must feel stability and consistency in life and relationship. There should be mutual support for each other on every level. A third person should never be entertained enough that they get a pass to interfere unless you both allow them. There should be no fear, no jealousy, no betrayal, no violence of any kind. Mutual care and respect should be the key. 

If you have all this with OR WITHOUT romantic celebrations and social media-ready photos, then you have true love in your life. Having a peaceful life and the support of your partner is what true love is irrespective of whether you have or not the side dish of glittery social media ready filmy romance in your life.

What love is not!

But the sad part is that there is so much influence of social media and entertainment industries these days on the psychology of people that they are unconsciously and unknowingly accepting toxic relationships for the sake of all the show-off that requires these days for social status.

Let’s see what is NOT being in love.

Things which we might mistake for love are:-

  1. Being stuck with a person you don't have a choice to leave.
  2. Being with someone you are manipulating. 
  3. Being with someone who is manipulating you.
  4. Being with someone because you fear leaving them.
  5. Being with someone just because they can make you feel wanted and special in the eyes of someone else you are grooming( a type of manipulation)
  6. Being with someone you treat as your trophy to impress society.
  7. Being with someone because you have nowhere to go because of a lack of financial and social support.
  8. Being with someone who says but never makes any effort to change.
  9. Being with someone who mostly severely abuses you on physical, mental, sexual, or psychological abuse but also sometimes gives flowers, gifts and takes you on romantic dates.
  10. Being with someone because you fear loneliness more than the pain this person gives you.

The other sad reason that people fall into such a relationship along with influenced psychology is that they have had toxic relationships with their early caregiver which they never chose for themselves and therefore it occurred to them that this is what a normal or ideal relationship should look like. When someone has been hurt all along during their childhood, they feel at home in relationships only where they are being hurt to some extent. 

If you are with someone like this then it is not "love" but you might be trauma bonded (Trauma bonding : How your brain fools you into thinking that you are in love.)and you need to take the help of a professional to sort things out as soon as possible.

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