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https://www.facebook.com/Familydysfunctionandmentalhealth

22 Feb 2021

16 Tips For Setting Boundaries with Adult Children.

One of the biggest problems in dysfunctional families is the lack of boundaries in relationships. There are so many resources about boundaries with kids and parents but there isn't much for old parents who spent most of their lives when there was no social media and lack of resources online for dealing with all this.

Parents are next to God when it comes to loving and caring. But when the love and care are not coupled with the right kind of discipline and limits then it can not only damage kids but also make the lives of parents difficult along with ruining the relationship with them.

Though a parent's heart doesn't know the limit to which they should show affection to their children. But putting "boundaries' and saying "no" is essential for a healthy environment that allows everyone's personal growth and overall peace and harmony in the family and relationships.

Here are some tips on how parents can have healthy boundaries with their adult children.

Do not bear their expenses if they are earning. Except for some exceptional cases like medical emergencies etc. I know parents who live in rags and support the lavish lifestyle and other luxury expenses of their children who are earning but are unable to afford all that in their own salaries.
Do not do their share of chores unless there is some medical issue with them. Grown-up people must do their chores by themselves, this is common sense and they should understand this. In fact, at this age, they can take care of you on the physical level, not the other way.
Do not over-expect from them. Have realistic expectations in terms of what they achieve in their career and other life aspects by keeping in mind their circumstances, health conditions, potentials, talents, abilities, and interest level. You can guide them if they need it but let them choose what they think is best for them.
Do not give unwanted advice in their married life. They are adults and they know what they are doing. It's advised not to interfere unless there is "abuse" involved.
Do not try to control their parenting. Show your love for your grandchildren by showing care and affection but do not dictate your child and their spouse on how they should parent their own children.
Do not worry about, "what others would say" about how your children have turned out because that is not the measure of your parenting skills. The efforts that you've made are what decides if you were good parents, not the result of those efforts. And it's okay if only "you" and "God" know those efforts. Expecting everyone to validate will only stress you and your relation with your children.
Do not force them to spend money on you unless you really need it. Family is meant to support each other in times of need but never put pressure on anyone unless there is really a need.
Do not dictate too much how your children should treat each other. Apart from being your children they are also siblings to each other and being adults they can decide what they need or need not do for each other unless there is some serious issue that needs your involvement.
Do not allow them to talk with you or the other parent in offensive language. Let them know in a calm voice that "it is not okay with you" and you will not accept this in spite of all the love you have for them.
Do not join them in mocking or insulting the other parent. Do not pit them against the other parent and do not pit your partner against any child.
Do not force them to spend special events of their life like birthdays, anniversaries, or grandchildren's birthdays with you. You had so many chances before they got married and if you would have really made them feel valued you wouldn't need to force them now. Also, now their new family has some expectations from them and your unnecessary interference may cause problems over there.
Do not defend them if they do something bad to someone. Many parents take the side of their children when they abuse their partner. Either stay neutral or analyze the situation completely before taking sides. This doesn't mean you can't show love to your child if he goes the wrong way. Be there for him but do not invalidate the pain they caused to someone else. Show them that you care for them and help them take accountability for their actions. Your love and support will make it easy.
Never scold them in presence of their spouse and children.
Do not try to control(directly or indirectly) their relationship with others, including God.
Do not allow them to control your relationships with others, including God.
Focus on your life and other relationships. Do not feel consumed by worries about them which is one very common thing in dysfunctional families. You too deserve your love and attention.

Do not think that you can control or change their fate. This will save you from an enormous amount of anxiety and stress. Do not be angry at your children for making wrong life choices. Anger will reduce your efficiency in helping and guiding them.

Forgive yourself for everything you couldn't do for them which you think would have made their life better. After all, you did what you could with whatever you had.

Guide them and pray for them whenever you feel worried. Focus on your efforts and leave the results to God. Happy parenting.

Connect with me on Facebook for more such blogs and memes

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https://www.facebook.com/Familydysfunctionandmentalhealth

21 Feb 2021

Forgiveness- What It Is, What It's Not!

Forgiving those who hurt you and having gratitude for those who love you are the two things that are must for healing and growing.

Where expressing gratitude and counting your blessings not only makes you humble and instantly lifts your mood but also gradually improves your mental health, on the other hand forgiving those who hurt you also has a healing effect on your mental health improvement journey.

According to sacred Indian texts, one must have a forgiving attitude towards everyone. Intellectuals everywhere and psychologists strongly believe argue that healing begins with first forgiving those who caused the hurt you are trying to heal from.

What forgiveness is not?

Some people, especially abuse victims get very offended and feel hurt and validated when they are initially suggested to forgive their abusers. This happens because of the wrong belief about what forgiveness is. Most people understand that forgiveness means to deny what they did to you, to deny what you feel about the abuse and the abuser, to deny or invalidate the pain and the damage they caused you on all levels and allow them or others like them to come back in your life and continue to treat you like that over and over again and you keep tolerating them.

Well, none of this is forgiveness.

What forgiveness is?

Forgiveness is to disconnect yourself from them emotionally after disconnecting physically. Not think about them or keep grudges or plan revenge or curse them. Because all of this will keep you connected to them via invisible chords. Healing requires you to separate yourself in all terms from the one who caused the damage you want to heal.

A survivor must focus on how bad the experience was, what damage was caused to them, how they felt, how helpless they were, how much their feelings and emotions are valid and true, how much they didn't deserve what happened to them and how they can move on towards the path of healing.

Why everyone deserves forgiveness?

People do bad things because of their condition and therefore they deserve forgiveness.

Scientific Reason:- People do bad things because of their personalities, belief systems, culture, and mental health conditions. Every child is innocent when is just born. However, every child is born with some genetic qualities which may or may not cause them to become bad people depending upon the conditions they will be raised in later on in life(and also during their stay in the womb). Whatever "nature and nurture" an infant gets, molds them into what we see as an adult. Scientists have found that people who lack empathy and sympathy don't have the same brain structure and functioning as people who have them which is due to life experiences and genetic factors.

Spiritual Reason:-According to sacred Indian texts, every soul keeps taking rebirth in this world. Soul gets next life and consciousness as per the deeds he does throughout his life and therefore at the time of birth he is born with predecided fate(as per his good and bad actions of past life). Though will good deeds some alterations can be made, but still, a lot of pre-decided things do happen. Every soul is therefore called a "conditioned soul".So, we must forgive everyone because the law of karma is already taking care of everything and we are also suffering because of the law of karma acting on us. This is just what the scriptures say. This is not meant to hurt or invalidate the victims or survivors. If we see ourselves in a situation where we have hurt someone then maybe we can understand this law of karma more clearly and also why we should forgive everyone.

Connect with me on Facebook for more such blogs and memes

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4 Tips For Protecting Your Child from Abuse at Day Care.

Knowing that your child got or getting molested is any parent's biggest nightmare. Every parent obviously does their best to make sure that their child is safe wherever they are. Parents from dysfunctional families are not very conscious about everything that's going on in their lives because of mental health, relationship, and other issues already making life a burden.

Abuse in childhood can be very traumatic. Children are physically and intellectually powerless in saving themselves from bad adults. Childhood trauma is not just a bad event but a wound for the life that can be forgotten by the brain but its imprints can remain for a lifetime in one's personality and health.

Here I am sharing some steps that anyone including parents from dysfunctional families can refer to every now and then to make sure that they are conscious about this issue.

Be careful while deciding the daycare you want your child to stay, especially if you are a first-time parent. Meet the staff members and observe their body language. Observe the kids already staying there before you came and try to meet their parents. Make sure to do this outside the school premises privately and get their feedback. You can also talk to kids and try to know how comfortable they feel there.
After joining when your child starts going there make sure you spend some alone quality time with her every day and try to know about her feelings and emotions or whatever she wants to share. Just remember that kids want to share a lot of things with you every day for that need a lot of love and patience.
Look at your child's body carefully while bathing her. If you see any bruises or cuts or any painful areas, inquire about it from the child privately. Also, observe any changes in your kid's behavior. The separation anxiety is normal for a few days but if the child is frightened every day before going there and seems depressed or anxious when at home then there may be something wrong. Provide a peaceful and loving atmosphere to the kid at home and then if such behavior persists then it indicates that there are issues either at home or in daycare. Talking to your child can help to know what's going on and then the required steps can be taken.
You should be careful in complying with rules and regulations of school and daycare representing themselves as cooperative parents and build up a good rapport with authority and staff because it build-up will help in easily sorting out if any issues are met in the future concerning the child.
In case the child abuse is done by the child-care staff, necessary action should be taken. If the abuse is mild (emotional)then meet the principal and try to sort out the issue by asking them to take necessary actions at their end. If the abuse is severe(physical or sexual) then immediately call the police and file a case. Also, collect gather support from other parents.

With the above tips, you can make sure that your child is safe when away from you and you can not only save your child from life-altering trauma but also you can fully focus on your work or whatever duties you are performing at that time.

Connect with me on Facebook for more such blogs and memes

17 Subtle Signs A Woman Is Romantically Interested In Your Partner.

8 Things Narcissists Do To Control Your Social Life.

14 Reasons Why Women Don't "Just Leave" Abusive relationships?

Why Does He Do That? What’s wrong with abusive men?

This Could Be The Reason Why Your Soul Is Exhausted.

This is why people love your abuser while they hate you!

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Holy Narcissists: 14 Reasons why narcissists hide in religious communities.

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This will happen if you idealize your abusive parents.

Trauma bonding : How your brain fools you into thinking that you are in love.

9 tips for surviving this valentine's without love from outside.

18 Things to do if you want to raise mentally and physically strong kids.

6 Tips for detoxing sibling bonds in dysfunctional families.

5 Things parents do to empower their daughters that actually harm them.

Shocking reasons why nobody respects you and 18 steps to fix it!

4 Tips For Protecting Your Child from Abuse at Day Care.

16 Tips For Setting Boundaries with Adult Children.

Is ‎It ‎Better ‎To ‎Be ‎Single ‎Or ‎In ‎A ‎Relationship ‎With ‎A ‎Narcissist? ‏- ‏A ‎comparative ‎analysis ‎. ‏

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10 Reasons Why You Cannot Heal While Still Being With A Narcissist.

Words Of Assurance For New Moms In Narcissistic Dysfunctional Nuclear Families.

Happiness Only Money Can Buy For Narc Abuse Victims

https://www.facebook.com/Familydysfunctionandmentalhealth

19 Feb 2021

10 Steps to save your child from abuse at school.

No matter how much we love our children every day we need to part from them for carrying out normal functions of our and our kid's daily lives. There is so much mention of crimes against children these days in news and media that we often worry about the well-being and safety of our kids.

Here are 10 tips that can be used to ensure the safety of our children from any sort of abuse that is likely to happen during school hours:-

If the child uses school transport then keep a copy of the ID proof of the driver and keep a check of time. If there are any changes in a pick or drop then inquire about it carefully with the child and driver. If your child is uncomfortable, talk to her. The driver can be changed in mild issues and severe issues contact school authorities or police whichever is suitable for the situation.
Generally, kids love to go to school because there they have their social circle. But if your kid is frightened and tries to find excuses to avoid going to school then probe the underlying reason. Among the various reasons, one could be possible abuse from a classmate, senior, teacher, or staff.
Talk to your kid about the problem and try to solve it if it has an academic basis like the child is not performing well and is scared of the subject teacher.
If a particular teacher is punishing your kid out of some grudge then talk to the teacher and if the issue is still resolved report to higher authorities.
If the teacher is abusive in general then talk to other parents and report collectively as a group with higher authorities.
If the issue involves a senior student or a classmate then talking to the class teacher principal will get it done. In severe cases contact parents or police as required.
In case of any hints of sexual abuse, carefully talk to your kid while assuring him that you trust him and, are able to protect him. Immediately stop sending the kid to school and take him to counsel for healing. Along with this take necessary actions against the abuser. You can also talk to other parents to know if there are more abused kids out there. This will make the case stronger and the abused will be punished easily.
Before sending your kid for an overnight stay at a camp or any other school outing/trip contact the concerned teachers and staff and clear all your doubts. And afterward, talk to your kids about everything they liked or disliked about the trip.
Do not send your little kids to private tuitions with a male tutor who is not well known to you. Prefer home tuitions or group tuitions.
You should be aware of the extra time your kids spend before and after school or tuitions.

The world is full of uncertainties, still by following the above steps and by keeping constantly in touch with your child you can reduce the chances of any sort of abuse at school.

Connect with me on Facebook for more such blogs and memes

17 Subtle Signs A Woman Is Romantically Interested In Your Partner.

8 Things Narcissists Do To Control Your Social Life.

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This is why people love your abuser while they hate you!

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Holy Narcissists: 14 Reasons why narcissists hide in religious communities.

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This will happen if you idealize your abusive parents.

Trauma bonding : How your brain fools you into thinking that you are in love.

9 tips for surviving this valentine's without love from outside.

18 Things to do if you want to raise mentally and physically strong kids.

6 Tips for detoxing sibling bonds in dysfunctional families.

5 Things parents do to empower their daughters that actually harm them.

Shocking reasons why nobody respects you and 18 steps to fix it!

4 Tips For Protecting Your Child from Abuse at Day Care.

16 Tips For Setting Boundaries with Adult Children.

Is ‎It ‎Better ‎To ‎Be ‎Single ‎Or ‎In ‎A ‎Relationship ‎With ‎A ‎Narcissist? ‏- ‏A ‎comparative ‎analysis ‎. ‏

13 Warning Signs of A Spiritual Narcissist and How To Deal With Them.

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This Is Why Some People Cannot Help Being Sad And Miserable : If You Had Controlling Parents

Protecting Children From Sexual Abuse| When You Are A Stay At Home Parent.

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18 Tips For Happy, Anxiety Free And Peaceful Life Amidst The Covid Crisis.

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Words Of Assurance For New Moms In Narcissistic Dysfunctional Nuclear Families.

Happiness Only Money Can Buy For Narc Abuse Victims

https://www.facebook.com/Familydysfunctionandmentalhealth

Shocking reasons why nobody respects you and 18 steps to fix it!

Growing up watching Bollywood films I always wondered how that one miserable friend of the character in the lead role would have always felt who was not only mocked and bullied by the hero, heroine, and all of their friends in a typical movie depicting college life of youngsters, but also sacrifices his life so that hero and heroine could be untied forever and escape the deadly villains in the climax scene of the movie.

In spite of being most loyal and most caring to the extent that he happily dies for his friend, he was always mistreated and made fun of by his friend. I always wondered if this nice guy was a loser or the hero was a bitch, or this how life is, that is the nice people are meant to have a miserable life and over smart manipulating people deserve true happiness.

While growing up, I silently observed people around me including me, my own friends, relatives, neighbors, associates, colleagues, and celebrities, and everyone I could think of.

Here is my observation of why nobody respects you!

Well! The origin of love and respect for yourself is from you only. Your friends or other people watch you and take note of "your worth" that you display in your behavior, attitude, and words. Then they bargain subtly and give you little less than what you expect.

So, if you believe that you should always be present for everyone including those who never have time or respect for you, or you think that it's your responsibility to please everyone around you at the cost of your happiness, peace, career, health, respect and overall value of life then it's you my dear who is consciously or unconsciously responsible for this.

Why is it happening?

Everyone gets tired, bored, hurt including you. If you are always willing to serve someone even when you are extremely tired then you somehow either believe that you don't deserve to take a rest or are not allowed to have it. If in spite of getting hurt with someone you never display your true emotions then you somehow either believe that you don't deserve to feel and express the hurtful emotions or forbidden to have them.

In some extreme cases, we need to hide emotions to look sober but we must never ignore what we feel for someone or something.

Our body always signals us when it is too much. Our gut feelings indicate to us what or who is right or wrong. We are equipped with a system that tells us how much is too much and when we need to stop or say "no" in advance.

Those who live a life controlled by someone, become habitual of living a life that pleases others, and then gradually unconsciously we start letting everyone control us.

This is a very common issue with adults who grew up in dysfunctional families. Adult children coming from dysfunctional families either learn the controlling behavior from their parents or become submissive to their controlling behavior for life, letting everyone control them, whoever comes in their life.

How to fix it?

Here are 18 ways to fix

Remind yourself every day that you are an extremely kind and lovable person who deserves all the love in this world and you don't need a second person to validate this truth.
Learn to identify your and other's boundaries.
Accept yourself the way you are. Appreciate the positive things about you and accept the negative things with grace.
Talk positively to yourself.
Have your back. Take your side when you are having an argument with your critic in your head.
Practice meditation and mindfulness to enhance your emotional competence which is the key to self-acceptance.
Keep your distance from people who obviously manipulated and use you.
Listen to your body. Take rest and proper sleep. Always remember that a relaxed body and mind will do everything better than an exhausted one.
Practice saying "No" when you feel like it.
Practice saying "yes" to things you always felt like but dreaded to do so.
If you accidentally say "yes" or "no" to something you were not sure about and then, later on, you regret it, be kind to yourself. Don't be a harsh critic of yourself. Remember that you are allowed to make mistakes like everyone else.
Stop over-explaining yourself. Practice the shortest possible replies in your head to the questions people around you may ask you when you say "no" to something.
Talk very briefly with people who invalidate your feelings and experiences. And talk less frequently.
Before you laugh at someone's joke, pause and think, are you really amused or actually hurt but just trying to hide your true emotions just to please them or to avoid hurting them?
Gradually start to unfriending those who are abusive, manipulative, or simply make you highly uncomfortable with their presence.
Have some "me time " every day. Think about the things you worry about and the possible solutions to them. Thank God for all the great things that happened to you that day.
Express gratitude and love towards those who have been in your life for a long and really liked you. Try to spend more time with these people. Wish them on special occasions. But take care of boundaries in a relationship with them also. As you learn to identify such people will start making new friends.
Seek therapy for any mental health issues you have.

Keep practicing the above things and observe the changes in your life. Appreciate yourself for every positive change you make in this journey. If ever you feel like you rebounded to your old self, be kind to yourself. Appreciate that at least you are trying and avoid the harsh judgment of yourself.

Keep going and one day you will master the art of self-love and self-respect and then you will be surrounded by people who truly love and respect you.

Connect with me on Facebook for more such blogs and memes

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