16 Jan 2021

Why Does He Do That? What’s wrong with abusive men?


Do you ever wonder what is wrong with men who abuse women and children or anyone else weaker than them? Do you ever think what is it? that makes them so prone to commit all kinds of sins even after having all the knowledge about what is right and what is wrong?

Is it mental illness, is it religious teachings, is it faults in parenting? or is it something else?

Psychologists have done intensive studies in this field and have documented some valuable pieces of information. The practitioners from the field of therapy, counseling, and guidance have shared their observations and experiences and revealed some surprising facts about abusive men.

To some extent, the abusiveness of a man or woman can be caused by the unhealthy coping mechanism or unhealthy living patterns, or traumatic response to emotional triggers stemming from childhood trauma or any other kinds of trauma, including intimate partner abuse. This type of abuse is not very much in control of the abuser and can be cured by healing the trauma and mental illness of the abuser man or woman. 

But, we are going to discuss the abusiveness of men towards women and children who look very nice and normal and seem to have high values and dignity in public and society.

Why do men inflict pain on loved ones however they act like gentleman men in front of society? These types of men do not have any mental illness because behavior resulting from mental illness does not discriminate in most of the cases except for a few like Anger displacement, etc. So, what makes these men so evil in presence of loved ones and so kind in presence of outsiders. Well, the two possible causes that have been identified so far are 

  1. High desire to have sense gratification at any cost.
  2. Entitlement.


Let's talk about his desire for sense gratification at any cost: Some men are so weak at their senses that they are controlled by their senses and life of what their senses want them to. Leaving behind everything like morals values relationships career etc. everything as long as the senses are satisfied everything at stake.


Entitlement is described as a destructive tendency to feel entitled to special treatment and have special rights at the cost of other people’s rights and peace.

According to the DSM-5, individuals with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are likely to have a "sense of entitlement to special treatment and to obedience from others", typically without commensurate qualities or accomplishments. 

Some men grow up in environments(family, culture, religion) that teach them the dos and don'ts of life in very biased ways. Some boys who grow up in abusive households grow up watching the abuse of their mother by their father and absorbs it as a norm. Some boys who grow up in association with a particular religion, watch and take note of biased allocation of rights and freedom for two genders. In some societies like India, some backward families teach their children that a daughter-in-law is less a human being than a daughter in a family. 

Lundy Bancroft, in his bestselling self-help book “Why does he do that? gives a detailed description of this term "entitlement" excellently“, that a boy is raised by grooming him into believing that piece of land outside his property belongs to him and he owns it when he grows up. However, in reality, he doesn't have any right over that land, so when he grows up he becomes possessive of that property and feels angry and frustrated towards people who visit that land even the owner and his family and friends. He feels angry, frustrated, and sad for not being able to have full control over that land and starts abusing them, and when they react to abuse caused by him he becomes even more abusive and irrationally starts out a never-ending war with them. Totally and completely believing that he is the victim and is being abused by these people. He sees the reaction to his abuse as "abuse" by his victims."

This is exactly the case with abusive men. They feel entitled to use, abuse and manipulate anyone including spouse and children.

Since the entire issue stems up from a twisted sense of reality resulting from a wrong belief system coming through the legacy and has socio-culture effects and hence is not a mental health issue, but a personality disorder that cannot be treated with therapy and therefore the only cure for this is, person's realization of problem and active involvement in changing the behavior through counseling. 

Reports confirming rare cases of any such changed abusive men are present and, therefore, we need means by which victims feel validated, supported, and protected in such cases.

Please fill this survey form https://forms.gle/bvKFE4XpaHUy7HFu7 and help me write a self-help book for restoring spiritual/religious faith in Battered Women.

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