The murder of Shraddha Walker has stunned the nation. Aftab Amin Poonawala, her live-in partner, has admitted that he strangled her to death, sliced her body into 35 pieces, stored the fragments in a refrigerator, and dumped her body parts in Mehrauli forest.
According to my research on this issue, a woman who is being abused and is not leaving might be going through something that is beyond the comprehension of someone who hasn't been in such an abusive relationship. There would have been instances of extreme abuse in her life with him but she could never be courageous enough to leave him. The possible reasons could be:-
- She thinks she still loves him: This is not love but “Trauma Bonding”. A term used by psychologists to describe the relationship between the abused and abuser is misunderstood by the abused as “love”.
- She has no support. (read my blog on how he rips her off, of her social support.https://theexhaustedsouls.blogspot.com/2021/01/8-things-narcissists-do-to-control-your.html).
- She fears that she won’t be able to prove abuse. Society has normalized the abuse of women to some extent in every culture and women are expected to be tolerant to some extent. Now, an abused and traumatized woman cannot decide about the expected extent of "abuse" and "tolerance "and doubts herself about the perception of being in an abusive relationship.
- She fears his anger. She has a traumatized brain that cannot correctly measure the extent of danger that might be coming from his rage if she tries to leave. So, she decides to tolerate it in order to keep the peace.
- She fears he will commit suicide. This is because of the various suicide threats she had been facing so far in the relationship.
- She is not confident enough to bring up kids on her own. Years of abuse and "gaslighting" tore down her self-esteem and confidence and therefore it seems impossible for her to give a fresh start.
- She suffers from anxiety and depression. Staying in abusive relationships causes various mental and emotional disorders which make it difficult for the victim to lead a normal healthy life, so what to say about going through all the turmoil of going through a breakup or a divorce.
- He has messed up her career. Abusers are very jealous and insecure about any type of success or growth of their victims and do everything to pull them down in their career life.
- She has no money to start up anything. Financial abuse is an integral part of marital or intimate partner abuse in which he keeps tight control of the finances of their victims even when the victim has a regular source of income. He makes sure that she doesn't have any financial independence. No matter how much she earns, he decides where and how much she will spend and will make sure that she doesn't have any savings in her name. This is one very prominent reason why abuse victims can't break free.
- She fears the unknown: A traumatized brain makes her believe that this world is dangerous and that if she leaves, she might have to face something worse.
- Hypervigilance: Their brain chemistry changes after spending years of life in an abusive household. The world is filled with triggers for such women. They become Hypervigilant to any kind of trigger and it makes it difficult to adjust to people who do not understand the scientific effect of trauma and abuse on the human brain.
- Fear of Judgement: After spending years of life in “Survival Mode”, their lifestyle and parenting style becomes such that, it can be easily judged and not understood by common people not having a scientific understanding of how traumatized brain functions. Being judged at this stage is very hurtful and they cannot afford any more hurt, especially by loved ones trying to help them.
- Kids: They also fear the same above two points 11 and 12 for their kids.
- She hopes he will change. For all the good times, no matter how scarce they were and for all the love she gave him and all the love she expects to come back from him and for the sake of children and for the sake of all the positivity she has for her life and people around her, she hopes HE WILL CHANGE!
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